Fatphobia is ingrained in us. It’s in me. Previously dedicated to an endless path of shrinking it in attempts to fit into that “healthy” box people love. Diets, fat camp, personal trainers, and more. I was embarrassed and hyper aware of my body at all times. So much shame. I had constant guilt about food, ignored hunger, consumed detox pills and quick fixes, and did not listen to my body. All of those things are a result of fatphobia and trauma and are so worthy of support and healing. It took cycling through dangerous weight loss and gain. At my smallest, after significant and unhealthy weight loss, I realized. Nothing changed when my body did except I got the privileges that came with being in a smaller body. More respect. More safety. More autonomy. More access. Of course fat people want to assimilate to be treated like people. That’s how it works - Conform, or experience this violence. Obey, or continue to be dehumanized. In the following years I found a community of fat positive people on IG. I felt seen. I learned from people who had done so much work to unlearn fatphobia, to link it back to white supremacy and colonization and its origin. I learned my body isn’t wrong, it’s my brain and our society that’s fucked. This is why dismantling white supremacy dismantles other forms of oppression - they connect. My ingrained racism gives context to my fatphobia, to my ableism and so on. The diet/wellness industry is fed to white women and we go all in with our privilege (time, money), feeding what hurts all of us so we can become smaller and therefore - gain power by appeasing. The reasons I wanted to change my body were part of a much larger system that wants me to shrink and harm others too, while it benefits. As my body changes, grows, I struggle to navigate my own fatphobia and a world that remains so fatphobic. It takes a lot to resist and allow myself to expand in every way. To trust my body over fatphobia takes work. Right now I’m uncomfortable. Not because my body has expanded, but because of what it means in a fatphobic world. An unworthy, but very real distraction.
Learn and support: @thefatsextherapist, @sassy_latte, @shishi.rose, @catriceology ⬇️